Healing

If you've met me for at least 10 seconds, then you probably know that I adore people with special needs. ADORE them. They are my favorite. They are also God's favorite. So be nice to these folks or Judgment Day is not going to be pretty for you. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it. 

So anyway, one of my favorite people with special needs once told me that he couldn't wait until Jesus comes again.

When he told me that I instantly thought, Well, sure. YOU are guaranteed to get in. The rest of us have to actually become better individuals and all that jazz. Grow. Progress. Become more like the Savior. You know. We have to take that route.

But instead of expressing all of my insecurities about not having a free pass to heaven, I simply asked my good friend, "What are you most excited about when Jesus comes again?"

He responded: "There will be no more bad. No more sin, no more wickedness, no more sorrow, no more pain. Only good. Only light."

Again, if you've known me for at least 10 seconds, then you know that by the time he got through that sentence, my mascara was on my chin.

This very sweet conversation took place a few years ago, but I've reflected on it almost daily ever since.

And here's why:

We all have some sort of special need. We all struggle. We all feel pain. We all go through life's up and downs with aching hearts and heavy loads to carry.

We ALL do.

And I don't mean to be a downer about it or anything, but life is kind of hard.

So when my sweet, dear friend expressed his eagerness to meet the Savior it melted my heart for a zillion reasons. But the biggest one was because this sweet man knows suffering in a very literal and very constant way. He has been ridiculed, left out, forgotten, and unable to experience many joys most of us take for granted. His brain and body do not function the way brains and bodies are meant to typically function.

But instead of being jaded about it, he's just patiently excited for all of his suffering to one day be made right. And he has the faith that it will be.

In his "broken" state, he can't wait to finally be made whole.

And maybe this doesn't fit in your belief system, but I five-million percent believe that one day, we will all be healed from our various aches and pains in a very literal, physical way.

However there is one thing my friend didn't mention, in his anxiousness to be made more perfect.  I've come to realize something that I have to keep in mind every single day, and it's this:

We don't have to wait until the Savior comes again to feel healing.

He wants us to feel healing NOW.

Now, not all remedies will be immediate. Not every burden will be relieved. In fact, most probably won't.

I know people with diabetes. With cancer. With other painful and life-threatening illnesses.

I know people with disabilities. People who can't talk. Or walk. Or function much at all.

I know people with anxiety. Depression. Addictions. People who have been abandoned. Abused. Neglected. Divorced. Betrayed. Etc. Etc. ETC.  

Bottom line: Life is HARD.

And all of those things are not going to suddenly change. All those people will still have all of those things, some for the rest of their lives.

But it is through those things that we can find healing along the way from the person who makes us truly complete.

And if you don't know Him all that well, I suggest you get to know Him starting right now.

Often, He offers tender mercies and healing to us through the people in our lives. Sometimes even through weenie dogs. 

I'm just saying. 

But one day, though probably not anytime really soon, there will be no more bad. No more wickedness. No more sorrow. No more pain.

Only good. Only light.

And it's completely because of Him.

As we look forward to that day, hopefully we can alleviate each other's pain and find joy in the journey of becoming even as He is.

And hopefully on that great day, my celestial friends will sneak me in the back door.

Because I'm going to need all the help I can get.


Okay. Just one last thought.

As a young girl, I once heard a Mormon missionary enthusiastically explain: "I love trials!"

When she said that, I thought she was out of her mind insane.

But the older I've gotten and the more I've understood the necessity of trials, I want to reiterate her profound feelings that she shared that day.

I love trials, too. Because they help us turn to God. And ironically enough, it is through our hardest times that we can find the most healing of all.

And by healing, I don't mean the elimination of hard things. I mean the ability to grow in spite of them. 

And THAT is exactly why I have such profound love and respect for people with disabilities. Because even though their bodies might seem "broken," they have the biggest hearts and souls of anyone I know.

And they are way more capable than the rest of us give them credit for.

And for the record, from what I know and understand about God, He thinks we are all more capable than we can even imagine. Even those of us that don't get a free pass. :)

Happiness is...

I have a lot on my mind today. More than I usually do.

So in trying to adequately understand everything I am thinking and feeling, this blog entry is more for me than anybody.

Bear with me.

First off, I woke up this morning to go to work. And then I realized something. See, there's this theme I've been trying to understand for the past several months that goes something like this: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Now, I don't mean do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. No. This doesn't mean go nuts and act on every indulgence you have. I don't mean eat the whole cheesecake or go out and buy five puppies.

Although, there are days where I think it is perfectly acceptable to eat the whole cheesecake. I really do. And believe me, today is one of those days.

So thank goodness there is no cheesecake close by.

Anyway, in an effort to "do what makes me happy" I woke up this morning to my alarm.

And then I quit my job.

Yep. On the spot. Quit my job. Because I'm crazy. Because it feels right. Because I need something more in my life. And yes, I get that the responsible thing to do would be to wait until I have a better job come along.

But nothing can come along if I'm not available for opportunities. So this is me taking a leap of faith, and devoting all my time to sitting on my bed while applying for zillions of jobs.

This is me doing what makes me happy.

Ernie seems pretty happy too. He loves my unemployment...yet again. He is currently snoring on my bed while I submit my 13th application of the morning.

Post-college life is the dream, huh? Ha. It's definitely something, that's for sure.

One of the things I've had the hardest time coping with since moving to Salt Lake hasn't been unemployment or mice or back pain or car trouble or oven fires or being the new girl on the block. No, all of that has just been exhilarating to tell you the truth.

The hardest thing for me has been missing someone who truly makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. And while I miss a lot of someones who make me extremely happy, I'm specifically referring to this someone, pictured here:

Is your heart not melting all over the place??!?! Yeah. He does that to you. 

Let me explain why I miss this kid so much. (As if I need another reason besides how cute he is, right?)

Thomas taught me every single day how to do hard things. Every. Single. Day.

And not like once a day. Constantly. Constant pain. Constant struggling. Constant growing. 

Nonstop. 

And he did this with unwavering patience and strength. And he did it with a smile. That same smile he wears to eat Oreos, he also wears to do hard things. 

And that is more than commendable. Because the smile I wear to eat Oreos looks nothing like my "doing hard things" face. Nope. Not even close. 

Thomas taught me to have more than a good attitude. He taught me to be BRAVE. He taught me to take risks and exert all my efforts in every single thing I do. And he taught this all by example. Thomas is one amazing person. And if you've been around him for just 30 seconds, you know exactly what I mean.  

But while this kid is so well-acquainted with pain, he has acquainted himself so well with God.

I think he knows God more than anyone I know. And I don't say that to be cute or to be sappy. I TRULY believe this one million percent. 

Yes, Thomas knows the Big Man Upstairs more than most people ever will in this lifetime. 

And I think in our weaknesses we all have this unique and significant opportunity to seek God. But sometimes we don't. Sometimes we feel too inadequate. We feel embarrassed. We feel weak. We feel like we can't seek Him because of the human frailties we all embody.

But that is exactly why we should seek Him the most. 

One thing I've learned from Thomas is that in our own way, we all have disabilities. 

And we all have abilities. 

Amazing abilities! And we all have the capacity, with the help of someone much, much greater than us, to continue to improve those abilities.

And maybe even conquer the disabilities that each of us face every, single day.

Obviously, there is so much I admire about Thomas; his strength, his determination, his fantastic sense of humor. But the thing I admire most about this kid is that he loves bigger than anyone I know. 

And what an honor it is to be loved by someone who has the ability to love so much!

I love you Thomas Nash. I miss being your servant. I miss your presence every day in my life. There is a huge hole where you used to be, and I keep asking God to fill it. But He's not going to, because I need to appreciate you on a daily basis. And believe me, mister. I do.

I think happiness is losing yourself in someone else. 

Happiness is realizing you can do hard things. Because you are not alone.

Happiness is having people in your life you adore. 

Happiness is cheering somebody on. 

Happiness is letting someone else cheer you on.

Happiness comes through lots of struggling and lots of pain and lots of tears.

Because happiness is more than cheesecake. More than puppies. (Although Ernie makes me pretty happy.) 

Happiness is becoming something better than you realize you are capable of being. And that process is painful, because it is supposed to be. But it is also beautiful! Especially when we share it.  

Thanks for cheering me on, Thomas. You're way stronger than I will ever be, but I will keep trying to keep up. 

I think we all need to struggle, because we are all trying to be happy. 

Thanks for showing the rest of us not-so-perfect people how it's done. 

I love you, Thomas. 

The Power of One

Between all the chaos and down time I've experienced the past several days,  I've reflected over and over on one of my favorite people of all time.

Literally. ALL. Time.

Her name is Elizabeth Bossard. But everyone calls her Boss. Because she was, and still is, THE Boss. 

She was my voice teacher since I was 15. She was also my therapist who never charged me a dime. (Literally spent hundreds of hours on her living room couch talking about life.) She was my adopted grandma. She was a dear friend. She was someone I looked up to. Someone I will always look up to.

That woman knows more about me than probably anybody besides my parents and God. And to be fair, she even knows some things that my parents haven't heard yet. No offense to parents, but you know what I mean. Sometimes you just need a third-party. 

Boss has my total respect, trust, and admiration. Last April she suddenly passed away. I haven't ever recovered from that. And I don't think I'm not ever going to. I'm just now starting to accept that. 

Boss was the only person I ever talked to candidly about my relationships, my dreams, my mistakes, and my fears. She knew my deepest secrets, my anxieties, and my pains.  

And better yet, she knew how to heal all of the above. She knew how to bring out your best, even when you felt at your absolute, rock-bottom worst. 

Sometimes when I just didn't feel like singing, we'd eat Dove chocolates and talk about life instead. 

That was when I learned the very most about what it really means to use my voice.  

But anyway, before I get all incredibly sappy and become a trainwreck, I just feel a need to share one of the biggest lessons Boss taught me. She taught it to me my VERY first day of voice lessons as a 15-year old girl. And she taught it over and over ever since. 

She taught me about the power of one. 

Now you're probably wondering what in the world that means. 

She actually used this phrase to refer to a vocal technique you achieve using your diaphram and a one-pound weight that you hold in a specific position. Hence the catchy, power of "one."

Boss was clever like that.

But she often reiterated this concept with a very cheerful twinkle in her eye in so many different contexts. And apparently I'm a slow learner because I've more recently started to grasp what she was teaching me all along...

It just takes ONE. 

ONE person can be the difference.

ONE person can make a change. 

ONE person can make decisions that can greatly influence others. Sometimes a few others. Sometimes a zillion. 

ONE person matters. 

ONE person has what it takes.

ONE person is someone important to somebody else. 

The power of ONE has never been more important to me than it is right now. 

So let me just preach for a second. YOU are important. Your decisions will affect so many others. Some of those people you don't even know yet. Some of them you may never know. 

But YOU have the power to brighten up the world. Or at least somebody's world. 

So do it. Or as Boss would say, "Do it, damnit." And I heartily concur. 

Thanks for the reminder, Boss. You have made all the difference in my life, and in thousands of others. I owe you a lifetime of trying to lift others. You exemplify the power of one in every single way. I will ALWAYS admire that more than you will ever know. 

So seriously y'all, use YOUR voice to be the difference. You might think to yourself, But I'm just one person. My voice won't carry far.

But it does. And it will. 

Sorry Boss, that it took me a zillion voice lessons to get that that's what your were really training my voice to do. But I'm starting to get it now. 

Love you, Boss! To the moon and back. 

And thanks for everything. 

Hello, Quarter-Life Crisis

As I sit here sharing a cold piece of pizza with Ernie in the middle of the day on a Tuesday, I can't help but think about everything I want to be when I grow up.

Because this type of casual setting, complete with greasy carbs, invokes that sort of inspiration. Trust me. Ernie and are waiting to be inspired in the career department. We want to go to law school, start an orphanage, and basically save humanity, etc, etc, etc. It's an overwhelming path to take. And we don't know where to start or if we're certain about any of it. So we get overwhelmed by all the possibilities, the what-ifs, and the should-haves. And we end up sitting on the couch and eating instead. Not to mention, there is a towel on my head and I am still in pajamas.

We are obviously headed for success. And fast.

But seriously?! Am I still having this "What do I want to be when I grow up?" argument with myself??? I really thought this topic was for kids. And certainly college students. But not college graduates!

Just months ago, I thought I had my life pretty planned out. Funny how that all changed in a jiffy. Because here I am several months after graduation wondering why I didn't study public relations or business. If I had gone that route I might make a little more money and have a lot more options.

You win some, you lose some. Could've. Should've. Would've. But no regrets. I loved studying people. I love kids. I love families. I love what I do. I just want to keep growing. And doing. And being. That's what life is for, right?

Through the onset of this sudden quarter-life crisis, it doesn't help that I injured my back lifting a patient two weeks ago and am still not allowed to resume my typical duties at a brand new job that I worked at for less than three weeks. Ugh.

I have worked since I was 15. I do not like not working. I do not like waiting around only to eat cold cheese pizza on a Tuesday afternoon. Ernie begs to differ. From the look on his face and the sound of his deep snoring, I think it's safe to say that he loves phase two of Momma's unemployment.

We have tried to make the most of this experience. We always do. We've enjoyed getting outside a lot. We spend at least an hour every day walking around the heart of downtown Salt Lake, which we've both fallen in love with. We love living downtown. I actually think we are becoming city folks. But don't worry Kentucky and Idaho, we won't forget our roots. Not even a little bit.

But you have to admit, this view makes even the reddest of rednecks fall in love just a little.

Here's to another week of failures and successes. It's what we do.

Homesickness Happens

Ernie and I have enjoyed-and endured-another eventful week as new Salt Lake City residents. Although I think everyone here thinks we are tourists. We do exhibit very tourist-like behavior. But we're really working on blending in.

Bloom where you're planted, right?

The main thing we took away from this week is we have really awesome people in our lives. And even some awesome dogs.

But let's talk about those awesome people. Let's just say we couldn't do it without y'all. We need you. We miss some of you so bad it hurts. Some of you we're finally geographically closer to and reconnecting with. And some of you we're just barely getting to know! And we can't wait to get to know you even better.

Last week in the midst of all the crazy we enjoyed a wonderful visit from three of my favorite people.

They actually arrived right before the oven caught fire. Recall that incident? Yep, well Thomas and Claire thought it was nothing short of fantastic! I kept apologizing to them because we had to wait outside, and it was cold and I knew they were hungry from their traveling. But as we watched the firemen do their thing, Claire, who is four, enthusiastically told me, "Kristen, don't even apologize! This is SO COOL!" Needless to say, I think having six firefighters come over actually made me much more exciting than I was previously. Thomas kept waving to all of them and laughing his head off. And Claire kept talking to them in her matter-of-fact way that she is so stinkin cute at. 

It was a riot. 

Having the Nash fam come visit literally made my week, AND helped carry me through this one! It's always sad to say goodbye to people you love. Hope they come back soon! It was  a blast to have Becky  as a roommate even if it was just one night. 

And just for the record, anyone else who wants to drop by SLC, Ernie and I are always up for visitors from people we love and adore. We are so, so, so, so, so, so, SO lucky to have people we are crazy about in our life.

It's funny how much you can literally miss people. It's not exactly my favorite thing to do. 

Tonight when I talked to my parents, I realized how cool they are. And how lucky I am to have them. I realize this fact at least 27 times a day. If you know my mom and dad, you know what I mean. It is hard to forget how great they are. Because they are literally as close to perfect as you can get. 

And they would roll their eyes if they heard me say that, but it's one million percent true. And I'm sticking to it. 

Needless to say, when I got off the phone with my mom tonight I might've gotten a little choked up at the goodbye. Maybe a lot choked up. Like maybe I don't need to wash my make-up off tonight. 

That's what you get when you have a mom and dad like mine. 

It's not fun to be homesick. And now I'm homesick for Kentucky AND Idaho. I do not recommend homesickness to anybody.

But please note how fun it is to be around people we love who are down here! We have aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, nieces, and friends. And having family down here makes this transition much, much smoother and WAY more enjoyable. 

On a less obnoxiously sappy note, Ernie made a new dog friend who lives next door. I actually think it might turn into something more serious. She is a pomeranian named Daisy. And I've never seen Ernie more nervous around a girl before. 

We'll keep you posted on that. 

So, for all of you who love us, thank you, thank you, thank YOU! We feel it every day and it is more than appreciated. 

And trust us, the feeling is way more than mutual. 

PS: The best remedy to take the edge off of homesickness??

Get a weenie dog. 

Curve Balls

We all know life has a funny way of throwing ridiculous curve balls. In the last several months, I've been thrown a few. And as much as I'd like to say I've been knocking them out of the park like a pro, that's probably not exactly accurate.

But I think I've managed to hold my own. And I owe God, a lot of incredible people in my life, and a super cute wiener dog for that.

So about a week ago, Ernie (the super cute wiener dog) and I made the big move to the big city. And while Salt Lake is just a cute neighborhood compared to a city like New York, to us rednecks from the northern country, Salt Lake might as well be the Big Apple.

Allow me to elaborate.

Parallel parking has always given me anxiety. Parking in general kind of gives me anxiety. And the only traffic I've experienced in the last few years is getting stuck behind farm equipment. Or cattle. Or ride-on lawn mowers. Yep, Ernie and I are a couple of rednecks navigating a brand new, downtown kind of life.

In the first week of living here we managed to start a small fire, catch four mice, and get a flat tire. It was eventful to say the least. For the record though, the small fire was not actually caused by us. Apparently the previous tenant left a very generous pile of cleaning solution in the oven that was just waiting to burst into flames. At least that was the verdict that the six firefighters gave us after showing up in their fire engine on our cramped one-way street. Yes, six. And with sirens and all people. And no, they do not charge you for having them come over. Everyone keeps asking me that, so now you know.

Anyway, I think "new girl in town" must be written all over my face. Mostly because I get lost every single time I get in my car. And some people even think I talk "funny." (I blame Kentucky for that)

It's true, we are obviously not in our natural habitat. However, we are adapting. And we are enjoying that process.

Seriously, in spite of our first week of insanity (did I mention it was also my first week at a new job?!) I laughed SO much. You have to laugh at yourself. Fires, rodents, and all. Oh, and for the record, I killed a few spiders too. We are probably going to open our own exterminator business. Ernie can be the logo.

Week one in SLC looked like a load of mishaps. But really what a load of brand new adventures!

If you would've told me a few months ago that I would be moving from Rexburg, Idaho to downtown Salt Lake City at the start of the new year I would've thought you were crazy. Okay, probably not that crazy because Salt Lake is only three and a half hours away from cute, little Rexburg.

But I still would've thought you were a little crazy. Because my life plans were nothing of the sort!

But apparently, sometimes your plans are supposed to change. Sometimes you need a clean start. Sometimes you find the courage to do something a lot of people are going to judge you for. But you have to do it because it's one million percent the right thing to do.

And sometimes the result of that courage is moving in with your wonderful parents, re-grouping your whole life, and then packing up everything in your Hyundai Elantra so you can drive to Utah with a weenie dog on your lap, crying the whole way down because you said goodbye to some of your favorite people on planet earth.

Gotta love those curve balls, huh?  :)

Happy 2015, y'all. Here's to fresh starts and unimaginable adventures. Here's to parallel parking, jobs that don't pay you nearly enough, and having people in your life who you adore and who adore you right back, whether they live in the same zip code as you or not.

Not to mention a weenie dog who adores you more than any roommate ever could.

Bring it Salt Lake. We are ready for ya.