Happiness is...

I have a lot on my mind today. More than I usually do.

So in trying to adequately understand everything I am thinking and feeling, this blog entry is more for me than anybody.

Bear with me.

First off, I woke up this morning to go to work. And then I realized something. See, there's this theme I've been trying to understand for the past several months that goes something like this: DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Now, I don't mean do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. No. This doesn't mean go nuts and act on every indulgence you have. I don't mean eat the whole cheesecake or go out and buy five puppies.

Although, there are days where I think it is perfectly acceptable to eat the whole cheesecake. I really do. And believe me, today is one of those days.

So thank goodness there is no cheesecake close by.

Anyway, in an effort to "do what makes me happy" I woke up this morning to my alarm.

And then I quit my job.

Yep. On the spot. Quit my job. Because I'm crazy. Because it feels right. Because I need something more in my life. And yes, I get that the responsible thing to do would be to wait until I have a better job come along.

But nothing can come along if I'm not available for opportunities. So this is me taking a leap of faith, and devoting all my time to sitting on my bed while applying for zillions of jobs.

This is me doing what makes me happy.

Ernie seems pretty happy too. He loves my unemployment...yet again. He is currently snoring on my bed while I submit my 13th application of the morning.

Post-college life is the dream, huh? Ha. It's definitely something, that's for sure.

One of the things I've had the hardest time coping with since moving to Salt Lake hasn't been unemployment or mice or back pain or car trouble or oven fires or being the new girl on the block. No, all of that has just been exhilarating to tell you the truth.

The hardest thing for me has been missing someone who truly makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. And while I miss a lot of someones who make me extremely happy, I'm specifically referring to this someone, pictured here:

Is your heart not melting all over the place??!?! Yeah. He does that to you. 

Let me explain why I miss this kid so much. (As if I need another reason besides how cute he is, right?)

Thomas taught me every single day how to do hard things. Every. Single. Day.

And not like once a day. Constantly. Constant pain. Constant struggling. Constant growing. 

Nonstop. 

And he did this with unwavering patience and strength. And he did it with a smile. That same smile he wears to eat Oreos, he also wears to do hard things. 

And that is more than commendable. Because the smile I wear to eat Oreos looks nothing like my "doing hard things" face. Nope. Not even close. 

Thomas taught me to have more than a good attitude. He taught me to be BRAVE. He taught me to take risks and exert all my efforts in every single thing I do. And he taught this all by example. Thomas is one amazing person. And if you've been around him for just 30 seconds, you know exactly what I mean.  

But while this kid is so well-acquainted with pain, he has acquainted himself so well with God.

I think he knows God more than anyone I know. And I don't say that to be cute or to be sappy. I TRULY believe this one million percent. 

Yes, Thomas knows the Big Man Upstairs more than most people ever will in this lifetime. 

And I think in our weaknesses we all have this unique and significant opportunity to seek God. But sometimes we don't. Sometimes we feel too inadequate. We feel embarrassed. We feel weak. We feel like we can't seek Him because of the human frailties we all embody.

But that is exactly why we should seek Him the most. 

One thing I've learned from Thomas is that in our own way, we all have disabilities. 

And we all have abilities. 

Amazing abilities! And we all have the capacity, with the help of someone much, much greater than us, to continue to improve those abilities.

And maybe even conquer the disabilities that each of us face every, single day.

Obviously, there is so much I admire about Thomas; his strength, his determination, his fantastic sense of humor. But the thing I admire most about this kid is that he loves bigger than anyone I know. 

And what an honor it is to be loved by someone who has the ability to love so much!

I love you Thomas Nash. I miss being your servant. I miss your presence every day in my life. There is a huge hole where you used to be, and I keep asking God to fill it. But He's not going to, because I need to appreciate you on a daily basis. And believe me, mister. I do.

I think happiness is losing yourself in someone else. 

Happiness is realizing you can do hard things. Because you are not alone.

Happiness is having people in your life you adore. 

Happiness is cheering somebody on. 

Happiness is letting someone else cheer you on.

Happiness comes through lots of struggling and lots of pain and lots of tears.

Because happiness is more than cheesecake. More than puppies. (Although Ernie makes me pretty happy.) 

Happiness is becoming something better than you realize you are capable of being. And that process is painful, because it is supposed to be. But it is also beautiful! Especially when we share it.  

Thanks for cheering me on, Thomas. You're way stronger than I will ever be, but I will keep trying to keep up. 

I think we all need to struggle, because we are all trying to be happy. 

Thanks for showing the rest of us not-so-perfect people how it's done. 

I love you, Thomas.