Talking to God

Since I can remember, I've always had a relationship with God. My parents taught me how to. 

They taught me that God loves all of us. They taught me that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins and our sorrows. And they taught me that as we live in accordance with truth and righteousness, we can become more like Him. 

But perhaps the most important thing my parents taught me regarding my ability to have a relationship with Deity was how to pray. 

Typically, they taught me that during a prayer you demonstrate reverence. You are talking to Heavenly Father after all. So, they taught me to close my eyes, bow my head, and listen. But, they also taught me that I could pray anytime, any place, in any circumstance. If I couldn't close my eyes or say the words out loud, that was okay, too. 

Because God would still hear me. 

I grew up believing this concept. And I grew up putting it into practice. And while I certainly continued to learn from my parents' example of faith, I quickly became very accustomed to talking to God on my own. 

My Grandma Jan died when I was almost five years old. I definitely didn't grasp the full reality of what this meant, but my little mind and body took it hard. For weeks I had trouble sleeping. And I would sneak quietly out of my room in the middle of the night and tiptoe in my nightgown to the top of the staircase in the hallway. On the wall directly in front of the stairs, was a portrait of The Savior, which was illuminated by the hall light, that always stayed on. 

Every night for several weeks I talked to that picture, and cried and cried and cried. I missed my grandma. And with a childlike faith, I knew God would listen and understand perfectly the pain that I couldn't even developmentally process. 

Throughout my life, prayer has always been an incredibly powerful principle that has literally comforted me, sustained me, and directed me to difficult answers. 

I have never felt taller than when I have been down on my knees, seeking the support of someone much, much, MUCH wiser than me. 

He's always been a great listener. The greatest, in fact. 

But even so, there have been a few pockets of time in my life when I didn't immediately resort to prayer. And usually the theme surrounding this lack of communication with God was that I didn't really feel worth His time. 

I mean, let's be honest-He has way bigger things to worry about than me. 

And whenever I told myself that, I quickly believed it. And the less I prayed to Him, the more I felt inadequate and forgotten. 

I had no business asking God to listen to me. I shouldn't expect His time or attention. He has a lot going on. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm not all that significant. 

Yes, sometimes I gave into feelings of inadequacy and self-defeat. And that enabling power I felt through making a daily effort to retain my relationship with The Lord was no longer present during those times when I kept to myself. 

Recently, I haven't talked to God very much. Not as much as I've needed to, anyway. Because for whatever reason, I just haven't felt worth His time. 

I know he's there. I know He's real. I've honestly never doubted that. But I doubt me. All the time, I doubt me. I doubt that divinity exists within me. Even though I believe it exists within all of us, I just sometimes feel down. And even though I yearn to connect with that divinity that I believe is much more innate than it is achieved, I sometimes don't allow myself to do so. 

But when I feel ready to let God know how things are going, even though I'm perfectly aware that He already knows, I feel his love wash over me and I am reminded that I am more worth His time than I will ever fully comprehend. 

My gratitude and reverence for Him are overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe that praying is a cure-all. It is not a replacement for medicine or health or other important relationships. Prayer will not eliminate your problems. It will not solve them either. 

And if that is why you are praying, you honestly might be bitterly disappointed. 

But when you pray every day-through all types of weather-something incredible can happen. You'll remember, over and over and over again, that you matter to the very being who made you. 

And believe it or not, He has all the time in the world to hear what you have to say. No matter how silly or pathetic it may seem. So say it. And don't forget, in the midst of your venting or crying or struggling, to always thank Him for listening. 

Because I promise you He is.